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Hims CEO Demands $10 Trillion to Avert Erection Crisis
In a dramatic proclamation that has sent shockwaves through the globe, the flamboyant CEO of Hims, Joseph Ludlum, has issued an ominous warning that has everyone talking. Late Friday, during a live-streamed event that caught the world off guard, he declared his intent to activate a device capable of triggering an immediate and uncontrollable erection for men across the planet.
The Showdown Begins
Ludlum’s unveiling of the so-called “Universal Engorgement Generator” was nothing short of theatrical. With an electrifying backdrop, and an audience of millions, he dared nations to challenge his power, clearly having the time of his life. “Citizens of Earth,” he bellowed, “we at Hims, your overseers of sexual wellness, present a simple ultimatum: $10 trillion by midnight, or we will initiate a global phenomenon the likes of which you have never seen.”
The entire scene was rife with the kind of high-energy drama that could only be associated with such a bizarre threat, as Ludlum unleashes wild laughter over the thought of wielding control over countless erections.
His speech left listeners stunned as he elaborated on the ramifications: “Imagine the chaos—just picture it! Millions of limping penises, instantaneously transforming into throbbing symbols of male virility, all thanks to the magic within Cialis and Viagra.”
The Ramifications of His Demand
Authorities worldwide quickly deemed Ludlum’s generalizations a serious matter, especially given Hims’ extensive telehealth network, which grants them significant insight into male health. Experts feared that the conductor of this mass penile uprising could cause utter mayhem, including anything from increased blue balls to sudden waves of premature ejaculation. In this environment of disarray, officials urged citizens to avoid touching their genitals, reminding them that any mishap could trigger the chain reaction of unintended erections.
In a spectacular twist, all 193 United Nations member states have spurned the seemingly ridiculous financial demands. Yet, Hims has countered the inaction with a new web countdown clock ominously counting down to midnight. Something straight out of a dystopian film, the website has also introduced an FAQ section specifically for “hapless nitwits,” addressing questions that range from “Will my penis explode if I cross Hims?” to “If I already have an erection when the beam hits, what occurs?”
Rising Tensions
Canada and New York city officials confirmed severe disturbances in both regions. Boardrooms erupted into chaos, panic filled the airports, and flights ground to a halt as men encountered sudden consciousness about their impending erections. Medical professionals reported over 12,000 individuals admitted to local hospitals with prolonged erections—strongly advising that any man experiencing an erection beyond four hours seek immediate help.
In another equally odd turn, Ludlum, ever the showman, released a follow-up video after the global incident. With the flair of a magician revealing his greatest trick, he proclaimed, “You cannot comprehend the disastrous consequences of mass penis-hardening.” As if the world was not already bewildered by his initial threat, he added, “Imagine the streets filled with destruction—cars swerving off roads, entire city blocks left in ruin.”
The Final Warning
In a defining moment full of suspense, Ludlum theatrically delivered his chilling closing remarks. “Time is running out! You doubt my capabilities? Behold as I flip this switch!” He began to engage with the now-dubious device when, in a twist of fate, he accidentally activated the engorgement beam on himself.
Tumbling dramatically to the ground, he gasped, overwhelmed by his own creation. “Someone must have tampered with the settings!” he exclaimed. “It’s fine—everything is fine! But don’t touch me. I detest being touched right now.”
As the curtain falls on this absurd scandal, one thing is certain: Ludlum has yet to say his final word on this matter, promising a shocking return as “the Puppetmaster of Phalluses.” Stay tuned, as the clock nears midnight on this incredibly bizarre chapter in the annals of corporate theatrics.
